I grew up in a family of God-fearing people.
In fact, up until a couple of months ago, I was a firm believer myself. Or was I really?
I don't know what changed. All I knew is that I realized one day that I no longer share that belief.
I became an Agnostic. I begin to question. I begin to search for answers.
But let me just get one thing straight - an Agnostic is neither a believer nor an Atheist.
Wikipedia defined it to me clearly:
Agnosticism is the view that the truth values of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, but also other religious and metaphysical claims—are unknown and (so far as can be judged) unknowable. Agnosticism can be defined in various ways, and is sometimes used to indicate doubt or a skeptical approach to questions.
In some senses, agnosticism is a stance about the difference between belief and knowledge, rather than about any specific claim or belief. In the popular sense, an agnostic is someone who neither believes nor disbelieves in the existence of a deity or deities, whereas atheist and an atheist believe and disbelieve, respectively.
In the strict sense, however, agnosticism is the view that humanity does not currently possess the requisite knowledge and/or reason to provide sufficient rational grounds to justify the belief that deities either do or do not exist.
It's not an easy process, you know. And it definitely didn't happen over night. It's one long, painful process. When the realization dawned on me, I struggled with it.
For the last 24 years, I was led to believe that there's a higher power out there, acting as my security blanket, watching over me and keeping me safe from harm. Now, I simply don't know.
I guess, that's the truth isn't it? We never really know. We can only guess. We can only surmise. We're young and ignorant of a lot of things. And we can only pretend that we know. But we can never confirm the absolute truth. That's the reality that's most of us still find hard to accept.
My brother and I actually share this kind of belief. My mother, on the other hand, is a firm believer. And she finds it unfathomable that my brother and I decided to change path, nagging us to go to church and pray at night. At first, I thought she was cool about it.
But when I brought the subject up again, she expressed her fear of what's becoming of us, her own children.
Though I find her reaction rather unsettling, (I'm NOT going to join a CULT, k? How ironic!) I understand where she's coming from - she grew up with the same belief. She has a strong emotional attachment to it, the same way I had when I was still sitting on the same boat.
It's not something that you let go of easily.
I also tried to share my thoughts with my friends, but alas, like my mother, they gave me the same reaction. That or they just didn't take me seriously. In fact, they seemed to forget the fact that I just told them point blank that I'm an Agnostic.
Who am I kidding? I live in a country where being an atheist is not acceptable, where nonconforming people like Lady Gaga are considered as blasphemous, where people who dare speak/act outside the confinements of religious doctrine are deemed offensive and irreverent.
And don't let me get started on the issue of Reproductive Health Bill. Not to mention the threat of losing the freedom of expression. I guess our country will never be ready. Sad, isn't it?
This fact, alone, makes me want to live some place else where people will respect your beliefs and won't go shoving their own beliefs down your throat. Ever heard of the phrase, To each his own? If you want to believe, then by all means do.
Who am I to dictate you where to place your absolute trust and confidence in? I'm just as good as any of you.
If you want to live a life believing that there's a higher power out there, then be my guest. It's your life, after all. You're free to make your own choices and decisions.
You're free to have faith in whoever you want to believe.
And the same goes with me. Whether there's a God or not, whether there's a higher power out there that's weaving my destiny or not, one thing is certain:
I'm going to live my life the way I want and believe anything that I deem preferable.
I'm taking control of my wheel and I'll take it wherever I want to go.
